20250203 - 如何更好地了解潜在伴侣 - 40 Questions Couples Should Ask to Know Each Other Better

• 分类: Clippings
• 创建: 2025-02-03
• 标签: 关系, 伴侣, 沟通, 约会, 自我反思, 价值观

40 Questions Couples Should Ask to Know Each Other Better

摘要 (Summary)

这篇文章讨论了如何更好地了解潜在伴侣，包括自我反思和有意的对话。文章提供了一系列问题，帮助你审视自己的感受和行为，了解对方分享的信息，探讨关系的价值观和信念，以及在同居或结婚前需要考虑的重要问题。

要点 (Key Facts)

1. 先反思自己的感受和行为；
2. 与伴侣进行有意义的对话；
3. 提出关于关系、友谊和家庭的重要问题；
4. 考虑在一起时间与独处时间的平衡；
5. 探讨核心价值观和信念；
6. 同居或结婚前需讨论的10个问题。

正文 (Content)

So you’ve finally found someone you like. Now, what’s the best way to get to know them better? (No, it’s not by going through their entire social media history.) It’s good to let things unfold naturally, but it’s also important to have intentional conversations to clarify if you’re a good match and whether there may be a future together. Before you can start a productive conversation to help you get closer, you must look at yourself —and understand what’s important to you and how you show up in a relationship. Ahead, some solid questions for yourself and your significant other.
o 你终于找到了你喜欢的人。现在，更好地了解他们的最佳方式是什么？（不，不是通过浏览他们的整个社交媒体历史。让事情自然地发展是件好事，但也有意识的对话来澄清你们是否合适以及是否有共同的未来也很重要。在你开始一场富有成效的对话以帮助你拉近距离之前，你必须审视自己——了解什么对你来说很重要，以及你在一段关系中是如何表现的。接下来，一些关于你自己和你的另一半的可靠问题。

**Consider how you feel and behave first

首先考虑您的感受和行为**

First, consider how it feels to be with your potential partner, says Kevin Gilliland, a licensed clinical psychologist and the author of Struggle Well, Live Well. These questions will help you examine your own experience and offer some clarity.
首先，考虑与潜在伴侣在一起的感觉，获得许可的临床心理学家、《好好奋斗，好好生活》的作者凯文·吉利兰 （Kevin Gilliland） 说。这些问题将帮助您检查自己的经历并提供一些清晰度。

• Is it easy to be around this person? Why or why not?
  和这个人在一起容易吗？为什么或为什么不？
• How do I behave when I’m around them?
  当我在他们身边时，我该如何表现？
• Are there parts of myself or my life I’m not sharing or holding back? Why?
  我自己或我的生活有没有部分我没有分享或隐瞒？ 为什么？
• How do I feel about our relationship so far?
  到目前为止，我对我们的关系有什么感觉？
• Is there anything that feels like a red flag or gives me the “ick” feeling?
  有什么感觉像是危险信号或让我感到“恶心”的感觉吗？

“Don’t be afraid of an ‘ick’ feeling,” says Gilliland. Instead, get curious about your reaction and explore it. It will likely come up again, so prepare to ask your partner questions about it the next time it comes up.
“不要害怕'恶心'的感觉，”Gilliland 说。相反，对你的反应感到好奇并探索它。它很可能会再次出现，所以准备好在下次出现时向你的伴侣询问有关它的问题。

**What has the other person already shared with you?

对方已经与您分享了什么？**

Alright, now you’ve done a lot of prep work with yourself and are ready to communicate with the other person. Depending on your preference and relationship, you can plan a sit-down talk or bring up questions more casually in conversation when it feels appropriate. “Timing is so important, but it’s not a formula, it’s a feel,” says Gilliland. If the other person keeps their answers superficial, they may not be ready to have a full-on heart-to-heart,” he says.
好了，现在你已经对自己做了很多准备工作，并准备好与对方交流。根据你的喜好和关系，你可以计划一次坐下来的谈话，或者在觉得合适的时候在谈话中更随意地提出问题。“时机非常重要，但它不是一个公式，而是一种感觉，”Gilliland 说。如果对方的回答很肤浅，他们可能还没有准备好进行全面的心与心，“他说。

• What information are they choosing to share and not share with me?
  他们选择与我共享和不与我共享哪些信息？
• What topics cause them a lot of excitement and to share many details? What topics do they avoid?
  哪些话题让他们非常兴奋并分享许多细节？他们避免哪些话题？
• How do they talk about relationships with friends and family?
  他们如何谈论与朋友和家人的关系？
• How do they talk about past romantic relationships?
  他们如何谈论过去的恋情？
• How do they talk about failed relationships of any kind? Do they blame others or show self-awareness about how they may have contributed and what they have learned?
  他们如何谈论任何形式的失败关系？他们是责怪他人，还是表现出对自己可能做出的贡献和学到的自我意识？

**Get-to-know-you questions for a potential partner

针对潜在合作伙伴的“了解您”问题**

Once you are both ready, these questions will help you understand what they value about their relationships in general. You can also dive right into discussing romantic relationships, but if past dating experiences are sensitive for either of you, discussing friendships and family can lay the groundwork.
一旦你们都准备好了，这些问题将帮助您了解他们对一般关系的重视程度。您也可以直接讨论浪漫关系，但如果过去的约会经历对你们中的任何一方都很敏感，那么讨论友谊和家庭可以奠定基础。

• Who are you closest to?
  您离谁最近？
• What friendships matter most to you?
  哪些友谊对你来说最重要？
• What do you value in a friendship?
  你在友谊中看重什么？
• What do you find challenging or get tired of in relationships?
  你觉得人际关系中的哪些方面具有挑战性或厌倦了什么？
• What do you enjoy about your relationships?
  你喜欢你的人际关系的哪些方面？

Once you have an idea about each other’s views regarding all sorts of relationships, you can dip your toe into conversations about past partners. “We have to be careful about how much detail we go into because you can’t unhear something,” says Gilliland. You don’t need to get into the nitty gritty, “what’s important is the nature of and lessons from the past relationships,” he says.
一旦你们了解了彼此对各种关系的看法，你们就可以涉足关于过去伴侣的对话。“我们必须小心我们涉及多少细节，因为你不可能听不到什么，”Gilliland 说。你不需要深入细节，“重要的是过去关系的性质和教训，”他说。

**What about past dating relationships?

过去的约会关系呢？**

Gilliland says if you encounter resistance to questions about previous romantic relationships, asking what exactly about the subject makes the person uncomfortable is perfectly acceptable. “You’re learning how to communicate with one another about matters big and small. If someone doesn’t want to talk about something, that’s okay, but they should be able to tell you why and if they will be able to broach the topic in the future.”
吉利兰说，如果你对以前的恋爱关系问题遇到阻力，询问这个话题究竟是什么让这个人感到不舒服是完全可以接受的。“你正在学习如何就大大小小的事情相互交流。如果有人不想谈论某事，那没关系，但他们应该能够告诉你为什么，以及他们将来是否能够提出这个话题。

• What went well in your past relationship?
  你们过去的感情进展顺利吗？
• What did you find frustrating?
  你觉得什么令人沮丧？
• How did you try to work through your problems?
  您是如何尝试解决您的问题的？
• What did you learn from that relationship?
  您从这种关系中学到了什么？
• Do you still have any unresolved feelings?
  你还有未解决的感受吗？

Partnership involves work and sacrifice, so discussing those elements is a good idea. “If you want to do whatever you want to do, don’t be in a relationship,” Gilliland says. “But if you do, what you give up pales in comparison to doing life with someone.” You can discuss those sacrifices to better understand what your partner needs to be happy. Gilliland says one of the most common problems he sees in his therapy practice is disagreement about a partner’s involvement in the partnership or marriage versus other priorities like work. But this is something you can discuss too, he says.
伙伴关系涉及工作和牺牲，因此讨论这些要素是个好主意。“如果你想做任何你想做的事，就不要谈恋爱，”Gilliland 说。“但如果你这样做了，与与某人一起生活相比，你放弃的东西就相形见绌了。”您可以讨论这些牺牲，以更好地了解您的伴侣需要什么才能快乐。Gilliland 说，他在治疗实践中看到的最常见的问题之一是对伴侣参与伴侣关系或婚姻与工作等其他优先事项的分歧。但他说，这也是你可以讨论的事情。

**What about time together (versus time alone)?

在一起的时间（与单独的时间相比）呢？**

Continuing to check in with your partner about alone time and time together is a good idea in any relationship phase since needs can fluctuate. When you start dating someone, it’s important to understand if they see their family every Sunday, call a best friend every day, or have a certain spiritual community that is essential to who they are.
在任何关系阶段，继续与你的伴侣核实独处时间和在一起的时间都是一个好主意，因为需求可能会波动。当你开始与某人约会时，重要的是要了解他们是否每个星期天都能见到家人，是否每天打电话给最好的朋友，或者是否拥有对他们是谁至关重要的某个精神社区。

• How do you like to balance time together?
  你们喜欢如何平衡在一起的时间？
• What kind of physical space do you need?
  您需要什么样的物理空间？
• How important is touch, cuddling, and sex?
  抚摸、拥抱和性爱有多重要？
• Is it easier to relax with others or when you’re alone?
  与他人一起放松还是独自一人更容易放松？
• What do you enjoy doing by yourself? Do you ever go to a movie or take a trip alone?
  你喜欢自己做什么？你有没有一个人去看电影或去旅行？

**What are your core values and beliefs?

您的核心价值观和信仰是什么？**

Ask questions about faith, family, and politics, but understand that the values and beliefs behind these things matter, not necessarily the type of religion or political party. “Couples can share beliefs and values but may not necessarily vote the same way,” Gilliland says. “The important thing is to listen openly to what the person feels.”
询问有关信仰、家庭和政治的问题，但要明白这些事情背后的价值观和信仰很重要，而不一定是宗教或政党的类型。“夫妻可以分享信仰和价值观，但不一定以相同的方式投票，”吉利兰说。“重要的是公开倾听这个人的感受。”

• How often do you like to see friends and family?
  您希望多久见一次朋友和家人？
• What are your thoughts about community in your city, your country, and beyond?
  你对你所在城市、你的国家和其他地区的社区有什么看法？
• What are your values and beliefs around work? How do you prioritize family, work, health, and other values?
  您对工作的价值观和信念是什么？您如何优先考虑家庭、工作、健康和其他价值观？
• What mistakes do you tend to make with these priorities? (For example, working at the expense of health, etc.)
  你倾向于在这些优先事项上犯哪些错误？（例如，以牺牲健康为代价工作等）
• What aren’t you willing to give up?
  你不愿意放弃什么？

You won’t get through all of these questions in one conversation. It could take months of dating or even years. Sometimes, you need to discuss things multiple times to really come to an understanding, plus feelings and priorities change.
你不会在一次对话中回答所有这些问题。这可能需要几个月甚至几年的约会。有时，您需要多次讨论事情才能真正达成理解，而且感情和优先事项会发生变化。

**10 questions before moving in together or getting married

同居或结婚前的 10 个问题**

If you decide to take your relationship to the next level and move in together or get married, there are some specific questions that are good to consider before that step. “Ask open-ended questions. The more information you have, the better you will be at making household decisions together,” Dr. Gilliland says.
如果您决定将你们的关系提升到一个新的水平并同居或结婚，那么在那一步之前，最好考虑一些具体问题。“提出开放式问题。你拥有的信息越多，你们就越能更好地一起做出家庭决定，”Gilliland 博士说。

• How do you feel about this commitment? What are you excited about, and what do you worry about?
  您对这一承诺有何感想？您对什么感到兴奋，又担心什么？
• What little things are coming up, like chores, schedules, and other life details?
  有哪些小事即将发生，比如家务、日程安排和其他生活细节？
• How important is it to you to design and decorate your physical space the way you want?
  以您想要的方式设计和装饰您的物理空间对您来说有多重要？
• How do we plan to divide things up financially?
  我们计划如何在财务上分配事情？
• What are your financial priorities?
  您的财务优先事项是什么？
• How does the way you grew up affect your financial choices now?
  您的成长方式对您现在的财务选择有何影响？
• How important is it to entertain and have guests?
  招待客人和招待客人有多重要？
• How do you feel about pets?
  你对宠物有什么感觉？
• What are your feelings about having children?
  你对生孩子有什么感受？
• What does happy cohabitation or marriage look like?
  幸福的同居或婚姻是什么样的？

If only going through this list ensured a happy-ever-after relationship! But these 40 questions are just to get you started.
如果通过这个列表就能确保一段永远幸福的关系就好了！但这 40 个问题只是为了让您入门。

“You don’t want to make the mistake of thinking, ‘I asked all the questions, so now we’re good,’ because you’ll never be able to ask all the questions,” Gilliland says. “There are all sorts of card games and books of questions you can try too; I’m a big fan of those,” he adds. The important thing is developing the ability to communicate and talk about difficult things. That skill will help you through anything you encounter as a couple in the future.
“你不想犯这样的错误，认为'我问了所有问题，所以现在我们很好'，因为你永远无法问所有问题，”Gilliland 说。“你也可以尝试各种纸牌游戏和问题书;我是这些的忠实粉丝，”他补充道。重要的是培养沟通和谈论困难事情的能力。这项技能将帮助您应对未来夫妻遇到的任何事情。